How to give to family members feedback at work: 3 rules for you can follow!

88% of Indian family businesses are poised for sustained expansion over the next two years, vs. the global projection of 77%. – PWC Family Business Report 2023.

Welcome back dear reader. The last post was all about understanding how it’s possible to work with family and friends. Which led to enquiries about how one can give feedback to ones family without upsetting the personal equation. In this piece, we will examine how we can go about it.

In order to write this blog, I have drawn upon my own experience of working with family businesses, and interviews with patriarchs who seem to have made it work, and some secondary research.

To begin with, two big things to know and remember;
One, you need to unlearn a lot of what management schools teach us. India works on a different cultural paradigm with its multi layered nuances. Nothing is linear and clear.

Two, personal relationships don’t get left at the door. They need to be managed with a lot of wisdom and diplomacy.  

One needs to remember both these things while giving feedback to family or friends at work. Let’s examine this in detail with a common scenario in Indian businesses – that of the next generation coming to work. Here, the father is the ultimate boss and the Heir is to be groomed to take over.

Now, each successive generation will come with their own ideas (succession planning is another topic), start working, make mistakes, and learn. The big question is – who will bell the cat, and how? Let’s look at 3 basic principles that seem to have worked well for many people –

1. Set clear expectations and outcomes – there can be no learning or feedback without measurable objectives. The Heir needs to be explained the role they play, the tasks they need to learn, who they would report to (some businesses avoid direct father-con reporting),  and how they are expected to conduct themselves. Some family businesses try to mimic the bottom-up, management trainee model followed by larger corporations for better overall grooming.

The advantage here is that the successor, having grown up in the extended business environment understands the larger picture and objectives (subconscious osmosis) and has skin in the game naturally.

2. Real time and constant feedback – this is something that most entrepreneurs say happens more by default than design. The personal equation and the desire to protect tends to overflow into the work sphere. So instead of trying to fight that instinct and neatly compartmentalise work and relationships, more experienced entrepreneurs use it advantageously.

The trick is to give feedback behind closed doors, gently and firmly. The mentor needs to keep it specific, explain the context, action and correction. Very similar to helping with a math problem or teaching how to ride a bicycle. It is important to keep it objective to keep the flow easy for both parties.

3. The BIG feedback – this is where modern management mixes with traditional wisdom. We are talking about performance reviews and tough conversations. These usually tend to happen when the loop of constant feedback and real time mentoring seem to fall short, or as routine in more formal structures. However, before these conversations, it is the family senior who needs to do most of the work.

For these conversations, I have developed a PAT framework that will help the father make specific notes to keep things objective. Also, to give his Heir a ‘pat’ of encouragement after a year of hard work. The three aspects are Positive, Affirmative, and Transitioning. Notable is the absence of negatives. This is keeping in mind that the successor is typically there to stay. Therefore, it is more conducive to keep building and resisting the urge to criticise and having awkward overflows at home.

Positives – it’s good to start the conversation with all the good that’s happened. One can discuss all that was learnt, what the scion liked, projects enjoyed, challenges faced, objectives met. This is like an informal warm-up chat to get the dialog going.

Affirmative – this is when the chat becomes a little serious. This is when you discuss what didn’t go as planned, what they learnt, any plans to handle the situation/project differently, to avoid the same outcome. At this point just listen, and understand the other person’s point of view. Idea is to avoid making them feel defensive, so they don’t shut down.

Transitioning – this is where a father’s temperament, patience, and instinct to be a little harsh, are all tested. The feedback needs to be specific with examples to illustrate the point. This will keep the conversation on track and avoid getting personal.  

One needs to objectively approach set KPIs and achievements, behaviours that need alteration, address the Heirs’ role in projects that didn’t go well, or feedback from other departments. This is also a great opportunity to understand where the next generation is heading or thinking for the business.

PAT Frame work - proprietary of Brand Couch

Let’s try and simulate a possible dialogue to see how one can give feedback. (You may skip the role play below and head to the conclusion too) –

P(arent) - So H, how was your year at work? I have heard good things about you from other people. People/I was impressed with your work on X project. Tell me about your experience?

H(eir) - …

P – I was proud of how you handled B challenge and conducted yourself well at D occasion.

H - …

P – What did you learn from the experience?

H - …

P – So what do you think you might do differently next time in a similar situation?

H -  …

P – I feel things could improve if the next time you handled (specific) situation in these (specific) ways. I have made the same errors and learnt. Doing it in a particular way will help avoid conflict/ losses/ embarrassment.

H – …

P – Looking at the objectives we set for you, you have met some/most of them. Let’s look at the gaps and discuss how to fill them. I want to remind you that this is about the work, and not you personally. We can do this together.

I have made a list basis the KPIs and objectives set and what didn’t go as per plan. One area is on project M. These are the two challenges that came up. I would be interested to hear your perspective and thinking on these.

H – ….

P – There is also some general feedback from other people that I just wanted to air and hear your perspective and plan for ahead. We can discuss what is fair or unfair and find solutions and make changes.  

H – …

P – You have done well and I am proud of you. Let’s keep working as per our plan and see what else we can make possible.

Now, the above conversation is only to illustrate a possible flow, and not prescriptive. There are multiple variables that could alter the course of even the most well intentioned discussion. There are relationships dynamics, the emotional investment in the aspects discussed, who they are discussed with, the temperament of the family members involved, etc.

To conclude, giving feedback to family or friends at work is tricky. One needs a mix of compassion, patience, diplomacy and professionalism. Before the conversation, one should make clear notes about specific incidents, behaviours and examples on how to improve and change. These notes will enable constructive and clear feedback without getting personal. The PAT framework is designed to set a positive tone and gradually move to things that the person themselves realised could be done better, to wider feedback and course correction.

While working with family is never easy, I hope this article an framework sparks off ideas and helps you find ways of making things work in a positive manner where everyone is happier. The thing to remember is that it is about the work, not the person.

If there is any aspect of working with family and friends you would like me to discuss here, please do write to me or comment below. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing how we can make things work better.

The author is a brand & business clarity coach and marketing consultant who helps businesses and entrepreneurs get unstuck, get clarity and unlock growth. He works mainly with independent businesses and entrepreneurs to help them optimise their thinking, behaviour patterns, and marketing efforts. To know more, visit www.brandcouch.co.